Watching NYC prep. Doing a shot everytime one of these d-bags flips his hair. I give it 10 minutes before alcohol poisoning set in.
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
Hippo gnu deer
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
