Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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