I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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