I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
honey bunches of taint.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Randomize
