I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
My breath smells like gin and sadness
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
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