youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
Did you fuck her?
If by "fuck her" you mean "threw up on her shoes," then yes, I achieved that.
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
idk. I was on the deck with Dominic and i felt something weird on my arm. I looked down and you were licking my elbow.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Omg I joined a choir last night...
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