i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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