Ps there is totally a drug addled prostitute in olympic pizza asking for change for a 100 bill
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
the world took limewire and four lokos away from me in one week....hello depression
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Randomize
