when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
P.S. I can't hear my feet
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
Either I'm losing my touch or ED is running rampant in 20 something men now
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
I will consider it. I need to determine if ogling him is worth almost certain death via zipline.
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
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