I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
This sucks! All of the twenty something dick I was getting went home when the university closed
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