Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
dude i have an english essay and a bio lab due tomorow
so basically your not goin out tonight?
who said that?
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
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