Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
You dont lie about slip and slides
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
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I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
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