My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
Randomize
