So I had sex in the woods... it was just as dirty as you'd expect it would be.. and not in a good way.
We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
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