Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
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