I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Randomize
