So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
im using the astroglide sample u sent me as a bookmark for the book im using to write my midterm paper. i need to get laid. bad.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Randomize
