It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
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So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
he just fucked me for my cheese..
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Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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