$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
Randomize
