remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
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