she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
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