so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Skipping class. Wanna Drink now?
yea. just give me 15 min to write a paper.
Randomize
