he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
Soooo my gf got the droid and doesn't have BBM anymore, I think its over for her
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
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