census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Randomize
