i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Sponge bath it is.
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
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