Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
Randomize
