I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
just had to take a 4 hour nap to write a one page paper. its obviously the week after winter break.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
Randomize
