just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
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Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
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STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
I'm not trying to analyze you I'm just saying you are being unfair to soup
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?