Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
Michael Bay diarrhea
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
it got awkward when the only couple not hooking up was just watching..
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??