I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
