i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
Sober January is a disaster.
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
Randomize
