Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
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