I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
I almost forgot to feel shameful, if that answers your question.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
Randomize
