This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
yea and when she crawled to her room she yelled at a bookbag to "get the fuck out my way"
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
Randomize
