Ross. Joey. Chandler. Who would you do?
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
Randomize
