On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
Michael Bay diarrhea
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
a 6'8" white kid in a Lin jersey just wandered out of my gay kid brother's room. when does spring break end, again?
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
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