Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
Your French couch surfers have just started playing flip cup with old crow. Basically you need to come back here
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
Give me one reason I shouldn't put the phrase "sex emotions" into my essay.
No.
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Randomize
