Like my Aunt Merial always says ... big dicks, big dicks.
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
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and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
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I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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