remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
all of his pictures were taken on a library computer, how did you even consider fucking him?
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
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