Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
