ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
Randomize
