I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Randomize
