i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
