you really need to stop walk of shaming home from theme parties.
I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
I greatly enjoy being related to her. Even if is it only by a penis.
Bringing families together since 1987
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
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