Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
I think i got beer on your cat.
Randomize
