somehow, due in part to drug cocktail and alchl prior to meeting, i blacked out, got home, made total mess of kitchen, broke shower, and made 17 hard boiled eggs
i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
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