Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
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