Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
Randomize
