Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
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