I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
Randomize
