sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
I just want some dick and chicken fingers please advise
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Randomize
