I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
Randomize
