I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
Randomize
