I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
u r missing out we r watching a tranny direct traffic in a gstring
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
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