i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
Randomize
