chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
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