Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
I didn't know that people actually queef. Is this a real thing?
I believe so, yes.
Would you be offended if I asked if it has happened to you?
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
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